Dis-ease of Quiet

The day was beautiful. The sun shone and the trees outside were beginning to change from greens, to bright oranges and reds. Just down the lane there was a field of sunflowers. There were 5 women there that weekend who were all spending time away from their families, their friends and life’s responsibilities. The farmhouse was picture perfect. The windows over looked rolling hills with expanses of green, and the trees that lined the roads were preparing to say good bye to summer. However, on that weekend it felt as though summer was trying to hang on for just a few more days, not yet wanting to say good bye. The day was warm, but the fall air began to sneak in at dusk. The living room housed a piano, a comfortable, but stately sofa, a few arm chairs, and a rocking chair. They all surrounded the wood burning fireplace. The dining room table invited hearty meals, and long conversations to be shared in its midst. The wood floors creaked as the stairs were descended. The beds were just soft enough that one could sink into them, and then be enveloped by the heaviness of the down-filled blanket. It was an environment that just welcomed a little solitude, a little time to oneself. And the idea of that was blissful to me. Yes, we were there to write, and I wanted to write, but some time away, some time for me and some quiet was what I most needed.

“Today we will spend the afternoon in silence. No talking to one another until we meet for dinner…”

As the words left her lips the unease began to set in.

I am an introvert by nature. However, I work in a field in which I constantly talk to others, listen to others, advise others and support others. And I am good at it and I love it but it does take its toll and I need to at times remind myself that I need time away and that I need to give into and embrace my true nature. I am introvert by nature. However, I have more friends than I can at times keep track of. I have the same best friends that I have since I was two years old, and I have continued to pick up amazingly wonderful people during the 35 years of my life. I love my friends. I am good at being a great friend. I talk, and I listen and I share stories and we all share our lives. But I am an introvert by nature. And I have two daughters. And school starts and activities and playdates, and coffee dates with moms and the dreaded fundraisers and halloween parties and Christmas parties and Valentine’s day parties….. But I am an introvert by nature….

As the 5 woman set off for the afternoon of writing, of reflection, of reading, of writing of napping, I sat. I pulled out my pen and my paper. I shifted uneasily on the couch. The computer, that’s what I needed. I pulled it out and turned it on. It was so quiet. Not a sound. Nothing. One woman stood up and put on her jacket and went outside. Should I do that too? No, I was going to write. My iPod? Would listening to music on my iPod be cheating? Yes, yes it would be. Can’t do that. It was quiet. So quiet. My book. I would read my book. Yes. That’s what I would do. But no. There was only 3 hours. I should write. Yes, write. I would write. No, I should sit, enjoy the down time. When do I get time away like this? I never get time away like this. But the time away was ticking away. What do I need to do most to enjoy my solitude? Meditate. Yes, I should meditate. But the words and thoughts streamed through me. I looked around enviously. One woman had gone upstairs and was likely napping. One woman had gone outside for a walk, another sitting under a tree outside, and one fast asleep on the chair across the room. They were relaxed and they were embracing their solitude. Had I lost the ability to cherish and embrace what I need most in my life? The guilt I felt for not writing in the time I should be writing. The shame I felt for being resentful of the ease that all the other women slipped into. The growing panic that I felt as the time ticked away knowing I was never going to be able to enjoy the solitude of that day.

The promise that I made to myself that afternoon that I would never forget that I am deserving of time to do nothing…….

Ingenious

I'm just figuring out all the bits and pieces that my iPhone can do.... I got it late. I resisted. I knew addiction would be fast coming. Oh and it was. But it's not all bad. Only a few days ago I realized that I can write for my blog from my phone. Wow. Genius. And so here I sit at a coffee shop around the corner from work--not quite ready to embark on the day. But I will. I will face it head on. I will embrace what comes my way. But it's oh so nice to be able to move my fingers over the keyboard first!

2012----welcome, welcome, welcome

I've been back at work for 5 months now. I also have a small part time therapy practice. And I have two young girls. Something had to give. I gave. Too much. I gave me----nothing. And therefore I missed the opportunity to show my girls that sometimes we need to make ourselves, our goals, our health----and our joys, a priority.

Juggling around my head I have lists and lists of resolutions. Eat better. Exercise more. Meditate. Write. Cook. Read. Paint. Oh the list goes on and on. But at the core, all of these 'resolutions' have one thing in common. Me. Priority in my own life. It has to happen or I will disappear.

I will be back....

I have transitioned back to a full time job, but feel the need to write again.... Stay tuned for more posts!

Open heart

In our lives we all have teachers. We have mentors. We have people who have guided, coached, encouraged, and taught us indispensible knowledge. There are people who arrive at pivotal moments to help us along our paths. The ultimate teachers are those who are able to illuminate in us aspects that were always there but were buried or forgotten. They show us the light, they show us the truth. They show us without trying…

This is about my youngest daughter, my one year old teacher, Lilah Grace.

"Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful." -Thich Nhat Hanh

I aspire to begin each day with an open heart, an empty mind and with the openness to meet each passing moment as it presents itself.

I hear her calling in the only way she knows how. She stands in her crib and she yells. Her yelling is not sad and it is not angry. But it is persistent. She wants to be heard. She doesn’t want to waste another moment of this day. It is her way of saying “Come, come get me. I’m ready to start this day. I want to get going. Come, come now.” I however, am not ready to start this day. I would give anything for another 10 minutes, another 5 minutes…2 more minutes even. But she is persistent. She knows how to be heard.

I wonder, as I open her door, what thoughts she has as she sees my face, greeting her face. In her world words are beginning to form. She understands more as each day passes. I watch her as she looks at my lips and as she begins to follow my gaze. I see her making the connection between sounds and objects. I know she is beginning to realize that these sounds have meaning. She is unearthing that these sounds are perspective, but they are perception. In her mind is she is yet to make meaning? Is she yet to make thoughts? To her, in these moments, the world simply is. Her world is this moment because that’s all it can be.

How liberating to live in the world without the need to attach meaning or judgment to every interaction. There is no good, no bad. No better, no worse. There are needs, yes. And she does also have wants, this I know for sure. But her needs are exquisite in their simplicity. She needs shelter. She needs food, she needs clothes. But most importantly she needs love and nourishment for her soul, as she becomes.

In that moment, as I open the door, I am love. I am perfection. I am everything. She sees me for who I am. She does not judge. She seems image, body, and perception all rolled together as love.

As she moves about her day each moment is alive with newness and with awe in everything she touches, everything she sees, everything she tastes, hears and smells. The world is alive with possibility. The universe presents itself to her in her moments of pure joy, of learning and of unfolding.

As we pass people on the street, her arms outstretch as she perfects her greeting. She greets everyone we meet. Her eyes light up and her mouth turns to a grin. The word ‘hi!’ forms easily from her lips. If she is not met with a hello or a smile in return, she simply smiles wider. She worries not what people think, she worries not if they greet her in return. She simply smiles and waves and allows for her love to shine. It matters not, colour of skin, ability or disability, millionaire or homeless, everyone is welcomed. Everyone is equal. Everyone is loved. Everyone is love.

I aspire to begin each day with an open heart, an empty mind and with the openness to meet each passing moment as it presents itself.